stellar songs

uhhhh yeah. i don't really know what's going on inside me right now. i'm just so confused.

anyhow, i have another blog. dunno why i got one, prolly cause one of my bestfriends uses xanga too... and i just wanted to have easier access to her blog.

windbeneath.

hmmmkay. i've got nothing better to say.

miss you roxy.

i've been sitting here in front of the computer for an hour already; my hands are poised over the keys, waiting for the right words to come out... but they won't. i'm an empty shell waiting to overflow, i'm ohso choked up with emotion but nothing seems to want to come out. am starting to feel hopeless and that worries me more than i can imagine. i don't know what i want, where i'm going, what i'm working for. maybe everything just has to end this way. maybe everything has to be so devastatingly impossibly unimaginably depressing and. oh dear. i don't know anything anymore. i'm just so worried that all my attempts to save the little i have left might be in vain, are futile, and are absolutely worthless. its so heartbreaking to think that all the effort i have poured into it might just turn out to be useless.

ate grace, thanks so much for the time. iloveyou.

i don't really know what's missing in my life right now but there's a big gaping hole in my heart looking for something... someone? perhaps. i'm not looking for much, even something minute to fill in a bit of that hole would do me good, i guess. i'm just sad lately for a reason that is still quite unknown to me. aftermath of the thursday of my life? pwede rin. maybe, because of that experience, i'm just wary of people in general. maybe i'm just plain scared of being treated like that again. maybe... i don't know what i'm going on about half of the time now. something inside me has closed off; fear enveloped it in its cold and distant embrace... and now i honestly get goosebumps whenever i hear someone shout. it's all i can do to not to palpitate instead, 'cause that's really what my body feels like doing whenever i hear someone raise his/her voice. i'm so scared of screaming now. and now, i don't want to do anything without consulting another; i have to know that what i'm doing is right. i'm treading down unfamiliar territory; i feel so trapped with the way my mind is processing right now but i can't do anything about it.

i guess i really need some peace of mind right now.

"if any one of you here becomes president of the philippines in the future, i'll gladly move to another country!"

her words stung me as if i were slapped. i have never been spoken to like that ever before, with pointing and glaring and blaming and harsh words. i'm brave enough to admit that part of it's my fault but she, knowing that it was wrong already, pushed through with it. now who's more wrong? lil ol' me, who at the time, thought that what i was doing was right because those documents weren't meant to be in their possession, or she, who knew at that exact moment that she had the wrong documents in her hands and still continued her announcement?

i don't think i'd be the one to blame but she is completely manipulative; i felt like it was all my fault. i, myself, knew that what i did was according to what i thought was right at the moment but i coulndn't stop the tears that threatened to gather beneath my eyes. only my friend's murmurings of "don't cry, it's not your fault" and "if you cry, you'll only let her get the best of you" were able to stop the tears but deep inside my heart was still tearing apart. i did not deserve this. we did not deserve this.

we worked hard to make this happen but since you didn't see that, you have the right to criticize the way we did things. is that it? is that the way it goes? i'm sorry, but i don't think so. even our so-called mentor couldn't even speak up. thanks, ha? thanks talaga. NOT! good thing we have our hero - "girls, as long as i'm here, nothing will happen to you."

i don't think i've cried that much since... yeah, since that. upon arriving home, i changed into my houseclothes and locked myself up in my room. when i was sure i won't cry anymore, i called up my "big sister" and told her everything and ended up crying through the narrative. i heard nothing but "shhh, dear it's alright" and i swear it made me feel a lot better. after a while, i texted a few friends and said "i wish the tears i cried and will still cry today are as many as the smiles that will grace your lips" and i received nothing but "i love you" and "i'm here for you" replies, as well as a few calls. i don't know how i can thank them enough. when my parents got home, i repeated the narrative and yes, cried through it again. they said that if necessary, they'd go to school for me; the gentle kisses on my forehead served as sedative. i was calm after that.

it was heartwarming to see how much people care for me. i couldn't help but smile through all the tears.

i.
spent about half an hour in the library cuddling an old musty book that i found interesting enough to supress my boredom while waiting for certificates. was leafing through it when an interesting quote caught my attention:

we will have the wings of eagles
     when fallen angels fly.
-billy joe shaver

ii.
i think i was quite productive today. finished the backdrop of the oratoricals in the mini theatre but am still about to add little finishing touches and let the oc side of me take over for a while. am sick and tired of my regular lazy-assed self but i can't seem to let go of it; i've grown so used to it and it's never gotten me into serious trouble - yet.

iii.
had semi-heated family discussion over the dinner table while sharing handfuls of peanuts. it's only now that i completely realized how different my line of thinking is from my parents'. am quite liberal and openminded whereas they are somewhat traditional and conservative.

iv.
“i said hang up, now!” my dad was furious. i could feel his heartbeat; it was so fast.

“i hung up already!”

“good!” his voice drifted up the staircase and straight into my ears. it was still mad.

“hello?” my dad’s syrupy-sweet voice sang into the phone. “ah, yes, yes, tony.”

it’s odd how fast his voice changes from eye-popping fury into saccharine when we’re around people. you think that he’s the perfect father image, the perfect man…

but he’s not. he can change moods in a snap. he can smother you with high expectations and make you feel useless when you don’t meet them. he can suffocate you with “i work hard for you, you work hard for me too” speeches every now and then. he can threaten you with his past, that he grew up poor.

but he can be really sweet sometimes, too. i wake up to a blueberry waffle breakfast about once a month, with a boquet of handpicked daisies batting their eyelashes up at me from my plate.

i don't really know what to do with it yet. seems to be quite lackluster to me, but i don't know... maybe something can come of it.